Twilighted Pets
by marykat
Summary: One day, I asked myself this question: What if my pets were Twilight characters? And so this silly story began. In a world where my two cats and bunny take on the personality of the Twilight character they are most like! AU, RxR PLEASE!
1. Chapter 1

**_A/N: One day, I asked myself this question: What if my pets were Twilight characters? And so this silly story began. I don't own anything about Twilight...but I do own my pets (well, they live with me and I pay all their bills at least!). Please review! Don't be afraid to tell me how stupid the story is :)_**

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Prologue: meet the cast

I'm sticking with the male characters right now, since all three of my animals are male. There are a few female pets in my extended family that could make an appearance later, if I continue the story.

Pycnic (aka Bark): Pycnic is my oldest cat, he is almost 10, traditional orange stripes. I adopted him from an animal shelter where I was living at the time during college. I lived alone and had no other pets then, so he and I have bonded quite a bit. He is very intuitive, and seems to always know what is going on. Of all the Twilight main characters, I think he is most like **Edward**. Sometimes, I swear he can read my mind.

Hedwig: Hedwig is my (male) rabbit, black and white lop. He is housetrained and is free to roam around the downstairs portion of my house. He was named after Harry Potter's owl in real life, but that isn't really relevant to this story. I just didn't want to confuse anyone. He is our own personal **Emmett**. He is big and strong, very pushy and not afraid to use his strength to get his way.

Squeaky: Squeaky is my baby kitten. We got him straight from a litter of two stray cats, but he looks like a purebred Siamese. He kind of gets an evil look in his eyes on occasion, but he has a heart of gold. He is young, so he is crazily enthusiastic with endless energy and curiosity. He also seems like he is going to keep growing forever, and thinks he is bigger than he really is. Obviously, he is **Seth**.

My husband and I – the pets refer to us as "**the people**" and **Mister/Ma'am** for the singular reference. We are very formal in our house…LOL!

Okay, now that you know who is who, let's get on with the story! I will use their Twilight names in the story to keep it real!

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Edward stretched out his front paws, lounging in his heated bed. He heard the automatic feeder click on, and then heard Seth jump off the upstairs bed and start his sprint toward the food bowl in the kitchen. _FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD GOODY GOODY GOODY GOODY!_ was on repeat through Seth's head as he ran down the stairs into the kitchen. Edward always waited for Seth's feeding frenzy to be over before he bothered to get up and stroll into the kitchen himself. Although, lately he's been getting faster and not adjusting his stopping distance, so the resulting crash was often entertaining.

Edward listened for signs of life from Emmett, out sleeping on the back porch. _'Wait until he sees I moved the feeder, he he he!'_ As that thought went through his mind, Emmett pictured Seth smashing right into the china cabinet that was behind the place the food bowl normally sat. He was always playing pranks on the cats, and the humans for that matter.

Confident that he'd get a good show for his effort, Edward sprang out of the bed and silently padded into the kitchen. He tipped his head toward Emmett as the huge rabbit peeked his head in through the door from the porch. "Nice touch leaving the door open, that is going to be quite a mess!" He shook his head at Emmett; the people were not going to be happy about that, but they'd probably think it was funny.

After a few moments, Seth flew across the kitchen floor, his eyes wide in terror as he realized two things:

The kitchen floor had just been waxed.

The food bowl was no longer in its rightful spot, and he was headed straight for the china cabinet with its doors wide open.

At that point, there was little Seth could do to prevent the upcoming crash. Into the cabinet he flew, amidst the plates and bowls of the people's "everyday" dishes. Luckily, he made it out in one piece, although the same couldn't be said for the pasta bowls.

Emmett started flipping in the air, he was laughing so hard. "Nice crash Seth! I should have gotten that on video!" Seth just rolled out of the cabinet, brushing off the dust from the cracked dishes. He padded over to the food bowls new location, ate his fill and stalked away. _Hmph, I'm not going to let him get away with that. Stupid rabbit, tricks are for kids! He is so immature. Edward, will you help me get back at him? _Seth was hoping that Edward would remember the millions of times Emmett had gotten him with a prank and would bond together with his fellow cat to plot against the rabbit.

In response, Edward rolled his eyes and whipped his tail back and forth. This was their secret cat talk for "Ok, I'm in!"

The cats headed upstairs, where they could communicate in private. While they did have some abilities to talk amongst themselves without Emmett understanding, Edward had lived with Emmett so long that he was pretty out of practice in Felish (the cat only language). Most of the time he just listened to everyone's thoughts, and when he needed to respond he used Animalish, the universally understood language of the animal world.

However, Emmett wasn't quite trusted enough by the people to be allowed upstairs. Maybe this distinction is what drove him to mess with the cats as much as he did, or maybe it was just his personality! Other than giving the cats a status to lord over Emmett, the exclusivity of the upstairs rooms afforded them areas to talk and plan out of earshot of the rabbit.

"Well, you got me here…what is your idea? Your reminders of Emmett's past indiscretions did two things: one – I really need to get that stupid rabbit back for all his pranks; two – I don't want to get him really made at me unless it is really worth it! So, I'm only in if it is a fantastic prank." Edward laid down the rules with Seth, making sure he thoroughly understood that ultimately he was going to take care of himself.

"I need to get him in more trouble with the people than I'm going to be in. Remember, if it is _in_ the house, any of us could be found guilty. But if it is on the porch, that is strictly Emmett territory." Emmett only had the porch to be territorial over; since he couldn't go upstairs, he was fiercely protective over his small domain. "If we could get him to totally trash it, you Mister will totally flip out! He might even banish Emmett to the outside cage like he did that time he chewed through the freezer power cord. Mister was pissed when he realized all that meat was ruined."

"Well, my brother, **that** is plan definitely has some merit. Ma'am was pretty mad that time he chewed the power cord on her computer. He just wanted to see if he got more of a jolt out of that than the freezer. I think he should have waited until she was finished with the taxes though! I bet it was pretty cold out in the backyard that week in February…hahaha!" Edward was starting to come around to Seth's plan. "Oh, that is perfect!"

While Edward was reminiscing about Emmett's more painful exploits, Seth was mulling over ideas of how to instigate the demolition of the back porch. Edward caught his thought about stringing a bunch of kale up from one of the shelving units, just out of Emmett's reach.

"Yeah, I thought so too! Ma'am just bought a whole new bag of that crap he loves so much. I managed to get the fridge open twice last week, so I think I can get in there to get it out. If you distract Emmett out in the dining room for a while, I'll get the kale and string it up. "

"Make sure you get rid of all the rest of the edible things in the porch. He loves the kale, but he would last without it until the people came home as long as he still had that phonebook to chew on all day. I'll just compliment him on his work this morning…that should keep him occupied for a while. You know how much he likes to brag!" Edward was definitely thinking the plan was going to work well. Between Emmett's craziness not being able to get to the kale and the utter destruction that he would wreak on the back porch trying to get it would absolutely be worth whatever pain he'd inflict on them later.

Downstairs, they heard the sounds of Emmett rattling around in the china cabinet. It sounded like he was trying to make Seth's accident scene look worse than it already did. Seth hissed, pulling his ears back as his tail puffed out and laid low to the ground.

"That's it! That rodent is going DOWN! An added bonus with this is that by locking him on the porch I might stand a chance at cleaning up some of my mess before the people come home." Seth leapt off the bed, not waiting for Edward to get started. Edward shook his head, and followed his enthusiastic little brother downstairs, thinking over his plan to distract Emmett.

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**_A/N: Okay, how did you like the story? Want to see if they can get Emmett to go crazy and wreck the porch? Please please please review and let me know if I should continue, or burn the manuscript!_**

**_On another note...check out my other stories on my profile. They are much better LOL! Thanks for putting up with me -- MK :)_**


	2. 2: the eve of destruction

_**A/N: Thanks for the hits and reviews (YAY – 2! Thanks to Fanwriter95 and **__**Aelimir**__**)!! Apparently, I'm not the only person who randomly tries to figure out which fictional characters are best embodied by their pets! Btw – changed the story to 1**__**st**__** person to better show the different POVs.**_

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Chapter 2: the eve of destruction

**Edward POV**

I sauntered into the dining room, finding Emmett under the table in his usual spot. "Poor Seth, he is really worried about how the people will react, especially Ma'am. It probably didn't help when I told him that she was thinking the other day about moving the feeder so Seth didn't break any dishes the next time he misjudged the distance. Frankly, I think that works in his favor. She'll just be mad at herself since she already identified this as a possible outcome."

"Yeah, Mister will just laugh at her, then she'll be pissed at him! You'd think he'd learn, after the week he spent on the couch last year; but he always goes with his gut reaction. That's why we get along so well!" Emmett twitched his tail at the thought. _Hmmm, he just got me a whole new bale of hay. I'm feeling a little grazing action coming on. I think I'll mosey on back to the porch and find myself a snack. This phone cord just isn't cutting it anymore._

"You really do have a bond with him. Of course, he is the one who adopted you, so I guess that is natural." I was trying to stretch out the conversation to give Seth enough time. I heard him thinking about going back to the porch, so I racked my brain for another conversation topic. "Mister seems to only tolerate Seth for his entertainment value and because Ma'am is attached to him." That seemed to work. Emmett started thinking about some of the more embarrassing scrapes Seth had gotten into and momentarily forgot about getting a snack.

Images ran through Emmett's mind of Seth's various episodes. _Like whenever he tried to get you to play by annoying you with little swipes with his paw every 10 seconds. You always wait until he least expect it and then pin him down and give him a good bite!_

"Or when he tries to eat the people's food and they keep knocking him off the table…he jumps right back up like they knocked him down by accident. Ma'am tries to 'punish' him by not giving him any food after they eat, but he never understands." I kept up the reminiscing, trying to give Seth a little more time. And, it was pretty fun to think of all the silly things he's done in the last year.

"How about the time that he tried to jump from the couch to the coffee table and I kept moving the table a few inches at a time so he couldn't judge the distance! I was laughing so hard I could barely keep from doing flips! When he landed with his paws just barely hanging on, and slowly slipped down to the ground, I lost it!" My idiot brother got caught up in the memory, and was laughing so hard that he didn't notice the low growl that escaped from me.

Quickly, I checked in with Seth and realized that for a change he had perfect timing. Everything was set on the porch, it was time to put this plan into action. And none too soon, I couldn't control my rage anymore. I leaned in and nipped at Emmett's ear; _that_ usually got him pretty riled up. "That was _me_ you idiot!" I can't believe he forgot he had pranked me in the coffee table incident, not Seth. This cold revenge would be so sweet.

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Seth POV**

Once Edward agreed to help me out, I ran straight to the back porch. Emmett was already in his usual spot in the dining room, so I asked Edward to go distract him. _The stupid rodent is under the table eating another cord. Go entertain him while I get to work please._ I got right to work, trying to be quiet so Emmett wouldn't notice what was going on.

The first thing that had to be done was clear the porch of anything edible…and by edible I mean anything that Emmett would consider eating. That meant I had to get pretty much everything either off the porch or stashed high enough so he couldn't reach it. For the amount of time he'd be stuck out there, he wouldn't resort to the plastic food bowls or the wooden hutch, so I was able to move everything else out myself. I nosed the phone book into the kitchen and managed to stash it beside the fridge. Like Emmett, my appetite included a lot of non-typical foods, so I managed to choke down most of the edible food type things out there. I pulled the new bag of hay out to the kitchen and shoved it into one of the cabinets.

All that was left was the piece de resistance – the kale! I used the towel Ma'am had hanging on the door of the fridge to open it and leapt onto the lower shelf. I used my claws to pry open the drawer wide enough to stick my whole paw in, and then opened up the drawer all the way. Of course, I fell in while doing this! I grabbed the bag of kale in my mouth and jumped out of the drawer. Most of the kale fell out before I landed, but I just shoved it all back in the bag. I jumped up against the drawer a few times to try and shove it back in…I got it pretty close and then got the fridge door closed.

On the porch, I took the kale and tied it to a string. I left it on the ground then took the other end of the string and climbed to the top of the shelving unit. I pulled the kale up about 5 feet…just low enough to taunt him but way too high for him to reach. I tied it off and chewed off the remainder of the string. It would be just my luck I'd leave enough string for him to reach and somehow get it loose from the ground! That wasn't going to happen today!

I had just gotten down from the shelving unit, taking a minute to survey my work when I heard the action in the dining room. First, I heard Emmett laughing extremely loud, and then the unmistakable growl from Edward that meant business. Man, Emmett must have pissed him off big time! I wonder if he fessed up to the coffee table business.

Edward streaked into the kitchen and then directly onto the porch. He growled as he passed me, but it was more like a "good job, let's get him" growl than a "you're next, go hide" growl. I got into position behind the door, ready to close it as soon as Edward came back out.

The started fighting, so I climbed up onto the counter so I could watch through the door's window. This way, I could see all the action but still close the door when necessary.

Emmett stamped his feet, like he always did when he wanted to show aggression. Edward's ears were flat against his head, his tail puffed up bigger than mine normally was! His eyes were solid black, probably due to the bright sunshine coming through the window, but they were menacing nonetheless. He leapt at Emmett, getting a good swipe in across his face.

Emmett twirled around and hopped on top of the hutch Edward was crouching in. I could see Edward hesitate, unsure how to get out without Emmett landing on him. Then he remembered that Emmett was easy to outsmart, so he simply stuck his head out as if he was going to dart out, but then pulled it back in just as quickly. Emmett took the bait and toppled down, right in front of Edward.

By now, he must have been noticing that some things were missing, because Edward suddenly looked over at me and flipped his tail. That was our sign. I jumped down, to be in a better position to close the door; I pushed the door almost closed, leaving just enough room for Edward to escape through. I heard Edward jump over Emmett and dive through the small opening I had left for him and I quickly slammed the door.

Edward and I then rolled over a large bottle of soda to help barricade the door. Emmett had never successfully busted out before, but he'd also never had as much driving him to try! We were taking no chances.

We both jumped on to the counter to watch our revenge unfold. For about 5 minutes, Emmett just walked around the porch, nervously sniffing and twitching.

"He's taking inventory, wondering where everything is. He hasn't noticed the door is shut yet, although how he missed you slamming it, I'll never know." Edward kept me in the loop about what was going through Emmett's mind. I let out a little meow of happiness, and Emmett looked right up at me. "Well, _now_ he's noticed the door! Nice going Seth." Edward swished his tail, hitting me in the back of the head.

"Aw, Edward, he won't get free! And I wanted to see his reaction when he realized he was trapped in there without anything to eat!" He hadn't noticed the kale yet, but I knew that Edward would be pretty mad if I tried to point that out. We hunkered down, patiently watching as Emmett searched the porch thoroughly for anything edible. When he didn't find anything, he lay down on the floor of the hutch and twitched miserably.

"He's thinking maybe he should lay off on the pranks for a little while. And he is also wondering just how bad the food bowl might be for him. Not that he cares about his health, but he doesn't want to wind up at the vet, like when he ate the box of ribbons last Christmas."

"If he's really hungry, he'll notice the kale soon." I was impatient, but I whispered that to Edward in Felish, not wanting Emmett to understand. Edward's glare told me that I better keep my mouth shut, or he wasn't going to let me watch anymore. I did just that, and boy was it worth it!

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A/N: Thanks for reading…sorry for the cliffie but I wanted to get something up to see if people were still interested in the story. Plus, I wanted to devote a whole chapter to how Emmett was feeling during the fight and to his ultimate destruction of the porch.**_

_**Don't forget to read my other (much better) stories: "Black Friday Alice Cullen Style" and "Destiny of Dreams"!! **_

_**And PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW…maybe we can get up to 5 this time!! I want to know if I should continue the story or not!!  
**_


	3. 3: those evil cats

_**A/N: Thanks for the hits and reviews and favorite (YAY – 4! Thanks to Fanwriter95 and **__**Aelimir**__**)!! Sorry for the long time between updates, but I've been pretty busy with my other stories! Thanks for indulging my bizarre creativity! I've finally uploaded some pics of my pets that are featured in this story, so check out the link in my profile!  
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Chapter 3: those evil cats

**Emmett POV**

I was relaxing in the dining room in my favorite spot, reliving Seth's crash from earlier over and over in my mind. It got better each time! Edward walked over to me and broke into my daydreams. "Poor Seth, he is really worried about how the people will react, especially Ma'am. It probably didn't help when I told him that she was thinking the other day about moving the feeder so Seth didn't break any dishes the next time he misjudged the distance. Frankly, I think that works in his favor. She'll just be mad at herself since she already identified this as a possible outcome."

"Yeah, Mister will just laugh at her, then she'll be pissed at him! You'd think he'd learn, after the week he spent on the couch last year; but he always goes with his gut reaction. That's why we get along so well!" I twitched my tail happily; I really got along well with Mister. Hmmm, he just got me a whole new bale of hay. I'm feeling a little grazing action coming on. I think I'll mosey on back to the porch and find myself a snack. This phone cord just isn't cutting it anymore.

"You really do have a bond with him. Of course, he is the one who adopted you, so I guess that is natural." Edward was rambling on about something, but I was really getting hungry. "Mister seems to only tolerate Seth for his entertainment value and because Ma'am is attached to him." Oh man, he's right, Seth really is rather entertaining!

I thought about some of the funnier things he'd done, reliving one in my mind for Edward to see. _Like whenever he tried to get you to play by annoying you with little swipes with his paw every 10 seconds. You always wait until he least expects it and then pin him down and give him a good bite!_

"Or when he tries to eat the people's food and they keep knocking him off the table…he jumps right back up like they knocked him down by accident. Ma'am tries to 'punish' him by not giving him any food after they eat, but he never understands." Edward jumped in with this one; he is always so protective of Ma'am, I just think she is silly to try to teach Seth anything.

"How about the time that he tried to jump from the couch to the coffee table and I kept moving the table a few inches at a time so he couldn't judge the distance! I was laughing so hard I could barely keep from doing flips! When he landed with his paws just barely hanging on, and slowly slipped down to the ground, I lost it!" I was cracking up when I remembered this one. Seeing his tiny orange cat paws clinging to the table and then slip down. Oh wait, orange paws? Was that a growl from Edward? Uh oh…

"That was _me_ you idiot!" The offended cat leaned in and nipped at my ear; _that_ was a surefire way to start a fight. He was in for it now! I chased him through the kitchen and straight onto my porch.

I started the fight in my normal fashion, stamping my feet in a display of aggression; I was bigger and stronger than that stupid orange cat, even if he did think he was the king of the house. He went into attack mode as well, and I planned my opening move, trying to think of the opposite thing to confuse the annoying mind-reading feline. He leapt at me and swiped with his paw, but missed as I flipped up onto the hutch. He ran into it and began to cower underneath me, probably afraid of my wrath.

I sat up a little taller, knowing there was no way he could get out without me knowing. He only had one way out, and I was guarding it. The first step he took toward the door and I would be on him like white on rice. I waited patiently for his tiny head to peak out; really, compared to his body, his head was rather small, but then again he had a lot of fuzzy hair that made up for it.

While I was waiting, I noticed that things looked a little out of place out here. Some of my stuff was missing..strike that, a LOT of my stuff was missing. Oh wait, here comes that darn cat. He peeked his head out and I struck. I leapt down and landed directly on top of...NOTHING! Shoot, I rolled over and saw him jump over me and sprint out the door to the kitchen.

Ok, I'd worry about stupid Edward later. I better assess the damage out here and figure out what is missing. Probably Seth trying to get back at me for earlier. I'll take an inventory.

Water dish? **Check**

Food bowl? **Check**

Food in bowl? **Negative**

Hay bale? **Negative**

Apple ma'am gave me this morning? **Negative**

Phonebook? **Negative**

extra phone cord I smuggled out here from Mister's work stuff and hid in my hutch? **NEGATIVE!!!**

OKAY! Now I was starting to get worried! I was twitching involuntarily, not sure how either of them even knew where to find all my secret snacks. Just then, I heard a smug meow coming from the other side of the door...WHAT? They locked me out here? Those cats are going DOWN, as soon as I break free.

Back to my inventory now; I needed to figure out what I had to eat and what I had to help me escape. After a few more minutes of looking around, it seemed obvious that they had done a good job of clearing out my porch. All I had was my hutch, my now-empty food bowl and a couple of swallows of water in my water bowl. Hmm, the people would be home in a couple hours, but it would be a long couple of hours without food. Maybe I should rethink the whole pranking the cats thing, especially if they were going to keep working together against me.

I retreated back to my "thinking place; "in my hutch. I looked around again and realized that not only were all my secret snacks gone, but pretty much everything I could reach was gone! What the heck would they need to get rid of all the containers and other things that I had no use for and couldn't eat? I'd have to keep looking around to see what else was going on out here.

In the meantime, I was really getting hungry. I eyed up my plastic food bowl appraisingly. And then I remembered the torturous visit to the vet after I ate the box of bows last Christmas; the bowl was probably going to result in a similar situation. I did NOT want a repeat of that; I shuddered and twitched just thinking about it.

I happened to glance up at the shelving unit and that's when I realized their master plan…somehow, they had managed to secure a bundle of my absolute favorite to the shelving, just above my reach. But they didn't know how persistent I could be; that kale was going to be MINE!

My first step was to shove my hutch over and see if it got me to high enough to jump up and reach it. I had been working on the height of my jumps lately, so perhaps they underestimated me. They thought they were such great jumpers, but I was the king of jumping! I was so good at jumping, I should have been Mexican, and a bean! After about 20 minutes, I managed to get the whole hutch lined up underneath the kale. I hopped up on it and gave it a go. No dice; it was definitely too high for even my best jump.

Time for Plan P…P as in Pans. They left the assorted pans that Ma'am stored out here just lying around on the lower shelves, begging for me to use them. I pulled them out one by one with my teeth and negotiated them up onto the top of the hutch. Soon enough, I had a nice stack that would get me to the height I needed. It looked a little unstable, so I thought I might only have one or two chances. I decided to take a running start and use it as a springboard to get the best height on my kale approach.

I backed as far away as possible, trying to give myself room to get up as much speed as I could. I sprinted toward my makeshift ladder and leapt onto the topmost pan. I channeled all my energy into my bounce and pushed off with my amazingly strong back legs. I sailed through the air and the scent of kale was getting tantalizing closer. It was zooming toward me in my immediate field of vision and suddenly I flew right by it! Luckily, the rope holding it was still within range and I quickly chomped down on it.

At this point, I noticed that there was quite a bit of noise coming from below me. I peeked down and saw that all the pans I had carefully stacked up had now scattered in disarray in all directions off of the hutch. Oh well, that was OK, I could just land back down on the hutch.

Well, I could have, until one of the larger pans slid into the second level of this shelving unit, knocking a large, heavy bottle off the back, which fell down onto the bottom shelf and rolled forward, gaining momentum with the slight tilt the bottom shelf had. By the time it reached the front of the shelf, it was moving quite rapidly and when it hit the hutch, the whole combination sailed clean across the porch. CRAP! Now how was I going to get down? I learned a long time ago that this was much too high to jump down from; yet another scary series of vet visits, and leg casts just didn't do anything for my _image_, if you know what I mean.

So, I was left with limited options. It seemed like I might be able to shimmy down the rope a little lower and then maybe swing onto one of the shelves. I could just hang out there until the people came home; sitting on the shelf for a few hours would surely beat hanging by my teeth or plunging to certain maiming!

Alas, that is when things really started to go bad. I slowly worked myself down the rope toward the kale, barely noticing that my action was causing both the rope and the whole shelving unit to sway. Once I reached the tip of the kale, my animal instincts just took over and I started chowing down! Luckily, before I had completely chewed myself apart from my lifeline, a jolt startled me back to reality. Unluckily, that jolt was the rope pulling taunt at the end of its swing, which had me practically horizontal it was so wide! I panicked as soon as I realized how wildly the motion was, and that was the worst thing I could have done. Somehow, I managed to increase the momentum of the swing with my jerk and now I was seconds away from crashing into the shelving unit. And not nicely onto a shelf, but directly into the shelf itself!

With no other options, I braced myself for the hit and pushed all my paws out for first impact. Just before I hit, the whole thing came crashing down around me, a 15 pound swinging rabbit apparently too much for it to handle. Because of my amazing abilities to maneuver around falling objects, I managed to squeeze in between the falling shelves and land on top of the mess that was now scattered all over my precious porch.

I took a few minutes to take in the scene; oh man, the people were going to be MAD! I couldn't even count the number of broken things. As I glanced around, I noticed that the force of the crash had somehow managed to release the door! The cats must have jumped from their perch, so they didn't notice it was open yet. I quickly bounded over to it and snuck into the kitchen. No sign of the cats yet. I was the lucky one that didn't have a collar…they would never hear me coming!

Time for the rabbit's revenge!!

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A/N: So, should I continue???**_

_**Don't forget to read my other (much better) stories: "Black Friday Alice Cullen Style", "Outtakes" and "Destiny of Dreams"!! **_


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